so I can be the beacon of hope that you've always expected

So here we are. I think I started this blog, the second version of it at least about a year ago now. But I never posted. This was obviously stupid. I'm on it now.

Things have been weird and mental lately. Me and Clara broke up and I thought I was happy about that. I thought we were going to have some time apart for a while and learn about ourselves and what we really need. I started in this theme by nearly immediately sleeping with Holly. This was good. Rebound's are needed and obviously great. Unfortunately she then decided she wasn't a free spirit, she was just in love with the ex-boyfriend who broke up with her. My fault on all levels. I'm sorry about that. Holly is cool and brilliant and I never wanted to hurt her. So Holly, I'm sorry.

Then after that I realised the levels of my loneliness. I don't have any I can really talk to about things without Clara and without Holly talking to me and conversation with Alfred being limited.

I wanted to get back with Clara because ultimately I love her and want to be with her. However, she already has moved on. With Tom. Who seems like a bit of a dull dickhead. She likes him though. I should of left it and played a long game but I didn't. I acted like a knob end. I've probably made it worse. But i'm leaving it alone now. We'll see how it goes.

I don't know if I really want to be with Clara or if I'm just in need of the idea of Clara. I spent a lot of time over the last two years relying on her emotionally and I am missing that. But that wasn't good of me. In fact it is what she says is tore her away from me. Sometime you can just never win.

Also involved with all this are just my feelings for other girls. Obviously there are people that I've always liked and would like to see and learn more about. Perhaps the most important out of these at the moment is Lindsay, who is borderline pure evil but actually is amazingly interesting. She's attractive and clever and likes good films. Like foreign ones. Where are the girls like that? Here apparently. I don't know how she feels about me or I really feel about her either. I suppose we should work that out. This could be a really good thing though. It could get me over everything. I'd really like that.