not today

I haven't blogged here in a while, I must admit. For why? Life got in the way. It's been actual a very busy time lately. Things have been happening like mad. Here are some of they:

Exams. Like final exams. I am done with A-Levels now. After four fucking years. Four torturous horrible years. Four years in which I've met some of the greatest and most beautiful people in my life and I've loved every second. But you know, if I could, I'd always go back and start again. I say that I don't regret things and I just live but c'mon, I'm not that good a liar.

Tumblr. I now have a tumblr, which I am enjoying and has taken some time from here, i'll admit. I hope to use blogger, tumblr and twitter concurrently, using each for a different purpose. I also have my own paper based thoughts to write down and things get busy but today I feel like here is where it should be at.

Game of Thrones. It's just an awesome tv show and I love it and i'm reading the books and man it is exciting.

A complex and exciting love life situation thing. This has been the majority taker of my time probably. I suppose that when I restarted this blog it was mostly to help myself work out my thoughts since my break up from Clara and so when I've felt fine I have not needed it. In the time since I last wrote I have been having a relationship of sorts with Holly, who finally got back in touch. This made me happy. It was no strings attached and exciting and fun. I'd worried that in the long-term imposed period of celebacy that I would have forgotten how to do everything but it turned out I was as good as ever, and I felt like it could have gotten better but things have ended as soon as they have begun. I would see this as a bad thing but, in truth, I never really wanted her. There were no feelings involved so it's fine. Knowing that I had feelings for another than her made it all seem quite empty. Fun and excellent, but empty nonetheless. I've always thought that I could do the casual sort of thing and be happy with it but I think what I really want is someone to love. Difficult innit.

so yeah everything

Things are back on. Seriously. This is some next level shit. I'm feeling confident (even if it's completely misplaced) and i'm out doing Adolf Hitler by being successful on many front.

I'd write more here for you, whoever you are reading this (WHY NOT COMMENT BTW, ANON AND ALL!), but i'm afraid I can't. OOOOOOOOOOOOOH. Yeah, good right.

SPOILERS

what is right and what is easy

I have so much to say. SO MUCH. But none of it I can be said really. I feel like my heart is exploding with life, leaping out of my chest, stuck in my throat. It wants to be on my sleeve, bleeding.

It's been a good week really. Flowing between some perfect days and perfect moments with the perfect people and the sense that I am on my comeback, that I can be the greatest person that I can ever be, flowing to the sense of dread and despair and jealousy and hatred and envy and rage and sickness rising up my throat, full of bile. Some days I want to destroy the world. Destroy all of existence, leaving just a vacuum, leaving just you and me.

The way things are going, I think that i'll have to make a decision soon.

It's always the same decision. There is what is right, what is easy. The problem could be that what is right is unattainable. She sure seems it.

The problem is that I need to be loved. and there is no one to love me.

cursed by consciousness

things have been quite good of late, overall, but with short periods of despairing black holes that make me very confused about existance. let's do some recapping!

Moon day. last ever quiz in the history of quiz. until they restart them with someone else really. but it won't be the same. i'm gonna do other things instead on mondays good plan! me, MJ and Ott went to Cambridge after and got very drunk in a short space of time, did some dancing in Fez and rolled down a hill. it hurt but it was worth it. I sent a text i probably shouldn't have. but i covered it I think. GOOD WORK

Wodin day. I went to see Submarine with Gabby. It was fun. I really liked the film. It was clever and stylish and funny and it reminded me of me a bit. I do stupid things and try to be cool and fit in when i don't really. It's good. I liked how it really was a film about depression more than anything but that was fit in with a lot of other stuff to make it more palletable. I also very much enjoyed spending time with Gabby. She's really cool and so pretty that it's almost scary that she's a real person who exists instead of just in a painting or something. It pleases me that I can make friends with people like that who i don't necessarily see much but can meet at a party and just regularly talk to them. I remember being 13 and terrified I would never be able to make friends. Another needless fear.

Thor day. Was supposed to see Beatrice but she bailed on me. she is a letdown. and i hope she's reading this so she knows how much of a letdown she is and how much i get mad sad when she does it to me. but i forgive her. I have to.

Frigg day. Went to el Jim's in the evening. Brad was there. I love Brad, he is sexy. Also, organised to see Holly next weekend. This is good. I'm glad we're friends again. Obviously if it ended up more than friends, i'd be pleased but it's better if we don't because I can prove that we can be just friends as she said that we could never. TAKE THAT HO.

going now. hungry.

dispatches from the friend zone

the feelings of amorousness that are building up inside of me are growing to quite mental levels. i'm beginning to think things that Ted Mosby would think and want to act in mad, romantic surprising ways like him. but that's a tv show. it's plotted to make things work out beautifully and such.

things won't work out like that.

i'm in the friend zone, please help me out

we are all made of stars

This weekend has been pretty much amazing. Low key sure, but AMAZING.

It contained all of my favourite things, here are some of them:

Not working. I like not working it makes a really good weekend. Sometimes I dislike them because I end up wasting the day but I made sure that this wasn't the case this time. I did me proud on that one. I even moved a sofa. Oh yes, oh yay.

Inception. It's a good film right? Even Mother understood it. That's rare, and a mondo-bonus. HD too.

Hella loads of HIMYM and 30 Rock on BT Vision. Warm happy funniness. You can't beat it. We're here, we're hungry, get used to it Brunch!

Pizza. I ate a whole pizza. It was delicious. I thought maybe I was a little overly decadent in ordering and eating it all myself but i was alone and it was delicious. Mmm

Manchester United being awesome. Da Silva twins= heroes. Gloating is quite nice sometimes really.

Sitting in a tree. I don't do this enough. Must do it more. We're on it Summer!

Going to the Hill in Cambridge. It's recontextualised and it's mine. Favourite place in Cambridge.

Seeing Benjamin and Dad and Wend. I was sad not to see them last week but it was worth it this week. He's so funny. He said Bry would want to kiss a Lapras. She probably would.

Senorita by Justin Timberlake. What a song, what a voice, what a man.

Hanging around in parks when you're too old for them. Yes, it makes some people tramps. But they're not having any fun. I am.

Wonders of the Universe. It just makes me cry because it's so beautiful and inspiring. I really don't understand why people need religion when they live in such a beautiful, magical and spiritual universe without needing made up tales. Immense.

Beatrice Woodhouse. Yeah, I guess she's ok......

wakeupgotosleep

It's half term time and in the 6 or 7 weeks of college that proceeded it, I maybe went in that many times. That isn't good. I don't think me and winter are great friends. Being bear-like, I hibernate. But I never was the Bear, I was the Moon.

I'm getting things back on track though, early nights and doing coursework (attempting to do coursework). Last night I had a nap from about 5 and then went to be properly at 8. I slept in fits and starts from there, having increasingly bizarre dreams and waking up to ruminate upon them. I had another dream about Clara. She came back to me but she clearly didn't want to be and she kept trying to attack me with a knife (not even in a sexy way.) It was quite disturbing. I'd quite like her out of my head but she won't let me forget about her. Odd.

Sometimes, I feel like maybe I use love as a reason to keep myself busy. I can't think of a time when I didn't have some sort of overwhelming feeling towards any particular individual, or individuals. I think I'd like to just not love anyone or anything for a while. Just as a buffer. It is good to love though. YEAH?

not from me, about me...

and, strictly speaking, stolen. don't tell a soul.

I love the definition of his muscles. The squashy, pudgy skin of his biceps that makes my resting body all the more comfortable. His little spare tyre makes my bag of bones feel secure, held, safe. He is solidness. He is softness. He is beauty. And he is home.

Nestled under an arm, one leg draped over his stomach, head on his chest. Catching the breath exhaling from his slightly open mouth. In and out, I capture his taste in the air from his lungs. It is familiar and intoxicating. Sour, in-need-of-toothpaste breath, but I swear I live by it Sucking it up inside me until it becomes my own unpleasant morning breath, despite me not having eaten chicken tikka the night before.

He rolls over, drunk with sleepiness to face me. He slides another shielding arm around me, kisses the top of my hairline and I place my chin on his already fast asleep again shoulder. I count the freckles on his back. As well as the scars left by my nails.

longing on a monday morning

something that i've found that I wrote a long long time ago.

so many things change, so little changes.

SO...

Monday morning. I get up begrudgingly and have a quick bath. I need to wash my hair but the quick bath has become a long bath after falling asleep and now its twenty-five to nine. Getting out of the bath I catch a sight of myself in the fogged up mirror, depressing. I franticly gather my clothes and put them on without any care as to what I look like. As I do up my trousers I suffer how tight they have become around my waist. I sigh and mentally promise myself that I’ll do something about it. Another promise that I’ll never keep. Plugging my iPod into my ears and running down the stairs I clutch at my bag and swing it swiftly round my shoulders as I slam the front door with a satisfying smack.

The walk to school is a lonely one, littered with grey. Grey houses, grey pavement, grey little children with their grey mothers, a grey cat with placid grey eyes. It’s not until I escape my crummy little estate and reach the main road that my walk becomes interesting. (When I say interesting I say it in the same way that I would say that a pasta recipe my mum has tried out is “lovely” or the way that I would say that the new Take That record is “rubbish” before going home and listening to it, singing “have a little patience!” without a care in the world.) It is here where other people start to appear. There are only a few, and only a couple of them I recognise. They’re the kids that you hear stories about. Bad childhoods, bad parents, sad stories. The sort that you feel sorry for despite never having spoken a word to in your life. I must be late if these guys are coming in, I think to myself. I open the little pocket in my blazer to find my phone and sure enough its 8:48. I’d better rush. I need something to keep me trudging towards school. I fumble around in my pocket to find my iPod and unlock it. It’s on shuffle so I press the button and go through the randomly chosen songs, stopping on each to test myself on who each one is by. The Clash, Jamie T, Bloc Party, REM…ahh Rebel Rebel, Bowie. Bliss.

Just as I reach the apex of the long hill separating my home from my final destination and begin to make my way down, I spot Ryan and his girlfriend whose name constantly escapes me until the point I realise that it has never been in my grasp. Ryan nods, I nod back. He’s one of those people that a few years back I never thought I would be friends with but I now am surrounded by. I used to be bullied you see. I was just unpopular. I suppose that it was the luck of the draw. I don’t like to talk about it. Now I have quite a few friends like Bryan. Big guys who’ll stand up for you if some other big guy thinks your hair is stupid and decides to make a comment about it. I imagine that being friends with these guys gets you a badge that you can wear proudly on your lapel until you become one of those guys and you have to give your own badges to the defenceless. Badges pop out of my head and are replaced by the guilt of being late as soon as I turn left and into the white metal gate.

There are a few stragglers along with me walking toward the 1960’s school building. As I walk past the schools administrative centre I keep my eyes looking dead ahead, like a single mother refusing the existence of a Big Issue salesman, in case I inadvertently catch the eye of one of the ladies in the office or, worse, our headmaster. I lock on to the blue double door and follow my flight plan. But something stops me. I hear the slow crawl of a car behind me. It stops. The passenger door opens and shuts again almost instantaneously like the flap of a hummingbird’s wing. I take out my earpieces and truly open my eyes as She moves towards me, almost running but without the urgency. Only despair. She holds me, gripping on to me as though I am all she has, and places her head on my shoulder. Her silken smooth hair, as frictionless as a frosted lake, tickles my cheek and I hold on for dear life. The hug lasts only as long as a comforting hug between two friends should, just at the time before it becomes a cuddle. She looks at me and I look at her in eyes, the colour of a rich, velvety dark chocolate. She’s obviously been crying heavily but the only empirical evidence is the single silver tear which strolls down from her left eye, past her blushed cheeks and toward her thick red lips before dripping off her chin and onto the concrete below. She tries to speak to me but she is far too caught up in whatever caused her to be in my arms. Instead she looks at me, grabs my wrist and beckons me to follow.

Her guiding arm leads me back along my original course but as soon as we step through the blue double doors we are back off it again, turning left into a long corridor containing many different alcoves, each containing a multitude of identical lockers. We step immediately into the first alcove. She composes herself and begins to talk to me. She has been arguing with her mum again. It started off minimally but escalated into one of those all-guns-blazing, World War III style arguments. I know what that feels like. I have those with my own mother every month or so. They start with us arguing and ending with the two of us crying and apologising for all our many failures. I comfort her and tell her that it’s going to be ok. I don’t know if it will but that’s all I know to say. She’s says it’s not. She drops her bombshell, she’s leaving. I look at the ground.

i've a very shrewd way with words

weird weekend. was going out with collegio's for Gemma's birthday but ended up with Stacey in my bed. not ideal but duck broken. let's move on.

REMINDERS

1. never ever, ever go out on a Saturday

2. never ever, ever go to Ballare

3. never forget where you're coming from.

the great frontier

The overwhelming feeling that I have in life is one of missing out. Not one of particular envy or jealousy, just that there are so many brilliant things in the world to do and experience and I've scarcely done any. I'll get on this. I have to be more assertive. I have an idea, left to me in a dream. The most perfect idea I've ever had. I can still taste those few seconds of dream on the tip of my tongue. I'm going to do it. I hope it works. Wish me luck.

haunted

It's 2011 now. I thought things would change, and maybe for a day or two they did, but things always stay the same. Last night I dreamt about Clara. I often dream of Clara. I haven't spoken to or heard from her for 6 months but still, she's there. It's like a much less exciting version of Inception. The her in my brain becoming less and less like the girl I knew. Can I do anything before she leaves my brain? Or do I have to move on before the spectre will leave?

A large part of the problem lies within my not moving on is to do with my not feeling attractive. I was once, I am sure of it. Girls wanted me. Was it because I was in a relationship at that time? Did I become more attractive by my being in a relationship or did the confidence and happiness that I had by being in a relationship make me a more attractive person? I'm hoping the latter.

This all said, I have some things for the future that are looking exciting. I hope there are more parties. I can do parties.

2011 YEAH??