it feels like a drum

I think i've gone and done something I shouldn't have.

covered

I love the snow. I don't like the cold and the confusion and the breakdown of society but I like how it covers the whole world. The angles and edges of the town are smoothed and softened. The landscape is changed. It keeps on falling.

my year in lists part 4. miscellany one

Top 5 Favourite People to follow on Twitter

• @loscampesinos : err because they're the greatest band ever. and Gareth really can go off on one sometimes and mostly he just likes football and the X Factor. like a normal person. sample tweet: I love Robbie Williams so much.

• @kanyewest : using Twitter as the soap box that he so badly needed before. sample tweet: I can't be everybody's hero and villain savior and sinner Christian and anti Christ!

• @FakeCraigFinn: doing Hold Steady lyrics better than the Hold Steady on their last record. sample tweet: She said, 'Don't call until you put yourself together' / But lots of the pieces are still at her place

• @serafinowicz : the reason twitter was made. non-stop joke machine. sample tweet: Although he detests The Joker, Batman enjoys attending his standup gigs

• @popjustice : best music website bar none. AMAZING. sample tweet: I wonder what it would take to make Bad Romance to sound bad. I believe it to be IMPOSSIBLE.

Top 2 Songs about the Munich Air Disaster

1. News & Tributes by The Futureheads : this is beautiful and moving and makes me close to tears every time I listen to it.
2. Munich Air Disaster 58 by Morrissey : quite good but mostly about Morrissey in a depressing "woe is me way" and as such, less moving.

Top 3 gigs I went to this year

1. Los Campesinos w/ Frankie and the Heartstrings and Johnny Foreigner : hands down, the greatest the best gig i've ever been to. Obviously the music was brilliant and all that but after a few horrible months, this show was the emotional catharsis I desperately needed. Shouting the best lyrics ever written until my lungs burnt and dancing until I couldn't feel my feet. The year changed that day; things got better (the day after was pretty sweet too.)
2. Vampire Weekend w/ Janelle Monae and Ratatat : a more purely joyous and happy evening I have not spent in quite a while. Good company too. I slept very well that evening, for the first time in ages.
3. Bon Jovi : Completely unexpectedly brilliant. I was being too cool about it for ages before hand and even during the poor and forgettable (forgotten) support band but when the Jovi appeared I got stupidly excited and loved every second.

Top 10 Callum Burgess Facebook status updates of the last few months (in no particular order)

• Rhinana(sp?), Cheryl Cole and Christina Aguilera on my TV- what a saturday night! (because he is a ladies man)

• would love to know how he got home last night? (because he is such a drinker nowadays. this should have a lol after)

• is finally getting to watch inception only had to wait months! (genuinely surprised that he didn't see it sooner.)

• ... Bored (because sometimes simplistic is all you need)

• Definitely just had a night like the Hangover...without the hangover, can't remember what the hell happened but it was awesome...Careys Tonight :D (because there is definitely a tiger and Mike Tyson and loads of casinos in Coventry)

• cereal at 5am i suppose thats breakfast, just havn't been to sleep yet (making the cool not sleeping part incidental and the cereal the bulk of the piece is the masterstroke here)

• ahhhhh gym pain (because he is just so ripped)

• is going on a dangerous trip to birmingham, lets try not to spend everything i have (because he is rich and Birmingham is paved with gold)

• fresh bedding .... aahhhhhhhhhh (?????)

• is definitely still drunk on his way to his lecture :D (I think i know why the Tories voted for the rises now. THANKS CAL)

MORE TO FOLLOW

my year in lists part 3. my cinematic adventures

As it stands, I have been to the cinema 30 times this year, seeing 29 different films. This is slightly disappointing seeing that last year I made 61 trips and saw 54 different films. Over a thirds of the screenings that I went to, I went to alone. There is a stigma to going to the cinema alone but it is not one I understand. Sure, a film is a pretty good thing to go to on a date (the chance would be a fine thing...) but you don't talk to anyone while you're in there. Anyway, that is for another time. GO.

My 10 Favourite Films of 2010AD (in chronological order)

Up In The Air

This seems like it was years ago now, especially seeing as that it came out in the previous awards season. I remember how I felt afterwards, distraught and hollow and old. Clooney is amazing. He always is. But especially so in this. All the supporting acting is great too, from Vera Farmiga to the tiny appearance by Zach Galifianakis.

Ponyo

This was a good cartoon and now, looking back, I find it quite hard to talk about. The animation was beautiful and the voice work was very good, especially Tina Fey. I love Tina Fey. Ponyo Ponyo tiny little fish...

Shutter Island

With DiCaprio leading and Scorsese directing, I was expecting quite a bit from this film and I feel that it delivered. Not outstanding, but a very strong psychological thriller, with great performances from Leo and Mark Ruffalo and Ghandi in particular. I seem to remember being especially enamoured with the way it was all shot. It seemed painted and artificial and beautiful and harrowing, all reflecting the plot. Very clever. Good twist too.

Kick-Ass

It kicked ass, didn't it? I meant to watch it again on DVD but never got round to it, I hope I will on Blu-Ray at Christmas. Very funny and bloody, it met all of my expectations and even threw in a LOST joke. Even though I dislike Aaron Johnson very much he was admittedly excellent, as was Nic Cage (obvs) and that little girl. And McLovin.

Cemetery Junction

Why wasn't this massive? It might even be the best thing that Steve Merchant and Ricky Gervais have ever done. Admittedly, that's a massive statement from an Office fan like me but this is a brilliantly moving, beautifully shot film with all amazing performances. The main guy who was in that episode of Doctor Who is brilliant, the angry guy is brilliant, the fat comedy guy is hillarious, the girl who was in that episode of Doctor Who is maybe the most beautiful woman in the world and an amazing actress. Voldemort is evil and he's not even Voldemort. I cannot wait to see this again.

Dogtooth

If I had to choose, this would probably be my film of the year (or, at least, joint first). Mad and scary and hillariously funny, in the darkest possible way. I don't think I've ever seen anything like this. Watch it. Now. Seriously, you need to.

Four Lions

A comedy about Suicide bombers by Chris Morris sounds exactly like my sort of thing and it was, but unexpectedly so. While it was funny (Fuck Mini-babybels!), it was more poignant and insightful than it was humourous. Vastly underseen.

Inception

Can this film even be reviewed or explained? It was just top quality stuff and so very clever. Tom Hardy was a revelation and I love Ellen Page's face. And Joseph Gordon-Levitt's. Most discussed film of the year by a country mile. Ending? Dream. Just for the kicks.

Scott Pilgrim vs. The World

Everything that I could want from an adaptation of the books and, in some places, probably even more. The songs were brills and Michael Cera was completely Scott Pilgrim, in a way that I could never have previously imagined. The little touches in the film just made it feel so right. I love Edgar Wright. He should do more.

The Social Network

Really wasn't expecting this. The trailer was interesting on its own but it didn't really make me want to watch it. I mean, a movie about Facebook and lawyering shouldn't be great but it is. Jesse Eisenberg, Andrew Garfield and Justin Timberlake all put in great performances but the real star is Aaron Sorkin's script with crackles and zips along, bringing so much life to the preceedings.

Special Mentions

Toy Story 3 (I liked it but I really wanted them to die and then they didn't. Am I a bad person?)

The Wolfman (I mean, how shit was that?)

The Killer Inside Me (It is rare that I can't bare to watch, so harrowing were the images.)

Wes Anderson double-bill at the Picturehouse (AMAZING)

NEXT: miscellany!

my year in lists part 2. albums

I think that this has been a pretty good year for music. I've enjoyed it anyway. I've not been to as many shows as I'd have liked to but the ones I have been to have been excellent, including an incredibly life-affirming, all-time favourite gig. So, albums. Here we go...

Records That Are The Best (according to me) from the year 2010AD

10. Total Life Forever - Foals

I only purchased this on Monday afternoon and its appearance in my top 10 is proof (I hope) of its quality rather the lack of quality in other albums this year. A real progress from their first album which was good but didn't meet the hype. Less frenetic than their older stuff but really quite moving and mature (do all things get maturer and darker, except Weezer?). If i had got this in May when it came out, I am pretty confident that it could have made my top 3.

9. One Life Stand - Hot Chip

Though Hot Chip have always been obviously brilliant, their albums have always left me wanting something more. Their singles are never less than AMAZING but The Warning was empty in places and Made In The Dark was the ultimate in suffering from an overabundance of ideas. On One Life Stand however, I feel that they have reached a happy medium. Cohesive in tone and darkly melodic, it finds places that their music couldn't quite reach before. Soul music.

8. Scott Pilgrim OST - Various Artists

Is this cheating? I don't care. An ecclectic musical soundscape that perfectly matches the film in tone. Beck's work on making Sex Bob-omb and Crash and the Boys' music from the books come alive would be worth the album price alone. It is nice when things that you've had an idea of in your head for so long get realised and it was like it should be. Alfred thought that Hagrid would be blue and have actual dustbin lids for hands and he was disappointed. Luckily, I didn't have this problem here.

7. Contra - Vampire Weekend

I like Vampire Weekend a lot and I enjoyed Contra when it came out (especially when Clara thought that it was "in December drinking hot chowder") but it didn't maintain repeated listens for that long. However, when I saw them live last week it really made the album make a bit more sense, especially the longer, slower tracks (that you can't easily do a nodding dance to.) Giving Up The Gun is particularly brilliant. Plus, Jake Gyllenhaal in the video playing tennis super-seriously is funny.

6. Serotonin - Mystery Jets

As the Mystery Jets get weirder as people (see Blaine's haircut), they get more and more mainstream as in terms of their music. The melodies are beautiful and the voices of all have never been better. While the lyrics can be hit and miss, the best (there's an invisible line where your bodies meets mine/and crossing it seems like a drug) far outweigh the worst (the weather man he says that soon it will be snowing?) This album should have been a lot bigger than it was.

5. My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy - Kanye West

In one word, grandiose. In a few, Kanye's best album by far. I've always felt that before his work has been best in the singles whereas the albums have been overlong and messy, full of skits that I can never quite get the point of. On this, Kanye brings it all in and has created an album that must go on to be seen as his best. While on their own, the songs don't reach the crossover level that songs like Gold Digger did, together they show insight into the incredibly fractured mind of the man who is the World's Greatest Popstar. It is bigger, badder and better than anything he has done before.

4. Love King - The-Dream

Looking back a year, I wouldn't have expected an album anything like this in my top 10, let alone 4th. Sure, I've always been a fan of classic RnB styling (see Everybody In Love's high placing in my top 10 singles of '09) but it has always been a singles affair, feeling that on an album it can become tiresome. Love King is anything but. The production is so shiny and glossy and the Dream has one hell of a knack for a melody. FLORIDA UNIVERSITY

3. The ArchAndroid - Janelle Monae

There is nothing sexier than ideas (or am I thinking of breasts? IDK, ask again later) and The ArchAndroid is full of them. A afro-futurist space opera about oppression, identity and love from the perspective of a messianic cyborg sung by the human she was based on who has been sent 700 years back in time. What more could you want? Great music in a plethora of styles, sung with a beautiful and unique voice? It just happens to have that too. I can't wait to see where this goes next.

2. The Age of Adz - Sufjan Stevens

I had never mega been into Sufjan Stevens before but I took a chance with this album and I do not regret it at all. The Age of Adz can transport you to another place, so thick and glorious is the production. A 25 minute long song should never work but it does and it is beautiful and stunning and it makes life better by existing. This whole album does that. Sublime.

1. Romance Is Boring (and Alls Well That Ends EP) - Los Campesinos!

Romance Is Boring has been the soundtrack of my year and it'll likely be the soundtrack to the rest of my life. It contains every feeling I have ever felt. The specificity of Gareth's lyrics to his own stories only make them more relatable to all of my mistakes and missteps in life. I cannot imagine 2010 without this album and I cannot imagine my life without this band. Even when everything else seems bleak and I feel so painfully alone that I cannot speak, I know that I have Los Campesinos!

Special Mentions

Learning - Perfume Genius (like so many things I've written about, haunting)

Hurley - Weezer (album cover of the year)

The Suburbs - Arcade Fire (sorry to say I didn't give it enough of my time)

Heaven Is Whenever - The Hold Steady (well, it's The Hold Steady)

Quarantine The Past - Pavement (great introduction to a great band)

Albums that didn't come out this year but I found out about this year and love

Yeah, So - Slow Club (all kinds of stunning)

Waited Up 'til It Was Light - Johnny Foreigner (band with three members AND boy/girl vox? PLEASE)

At The Club - Kenickie (is there a more desirable woman than Lauren Laverne?)

next, films? x

merry christmas, i wish you were here

Last night was my Christmas ball(?) off of college. It was at the Soul Tree. I like the Soul Tree because of the time that Amy (ha), Bry and I went to see Mumm-Ra there. I love Mumm-Ra. I miss them. The same space was filled with people dressed in pretty varied costume, from ball gowns to jeans and a t-shirt. More importantly, it was filled with people that I don't really know. And the ones that I do, I care about deeply but I never get the sense that it would matter if I were to disappear. I wanted to run. It's been a long time since I ran.

The whole situation set me thinking about my life and all the little chains of consequence that had led me there, whilst simultaneously dancing to some pretty dire musical choices from the poor DJ. (I do a lot of thinking whilst dancing, I think it's because I can set my body on autofunk and just let my mind reel.) What had I done to get myself here? Did I deserve it? What am I missing? Are the positives of my life that I wouldn't have had anyway enough to outweigh the constant drain on my soul that living seems to bring? Is that last question far too melodramatic? I'm sure we'll agree that it is.

I don't know if it was the drink but I thought of Clara. I wanted to call her. But I didn't. This is restraint. Well done. What would have I even said? I don't know if there are words. There are no connections between us any more, our mutual friends on facebook I have sheared to a bare minimum. But yet she still haunts my dreams and I wake up in the morning and I don't know how to feel. Or if i even feel.

I know I do feel. I can feel it in the pit of my stomach. A yearning. For anyone inparticular? Or for anyone? People on the dancefloor last night, cavorting in both senses of the word. I felt disgusted at the actions of some, particularly Pav and Alan. Like women are meat, game to be hunted, a game to be played. What makes me feel worse is knowing that if I had the nerve (lack of class, confidence?) I'd play the game too.

OH WELL. It's been a good week otherwise. This time a week ago, I was watching Janelle Monae. Excellent. And on Sunday, Matt called Shelia a cunt at our Christmas meal. And there is a new LC! christmas song. you've got to untie me from these bows, wrap your arms round me like swaddling clothes

my year in lists part 1. singles club

December becomes less about the birth of Christ (maybe a good thing considering he probably wasn't even born then) and more about lists. This is good. Lists are a religion I can wholly and fully worship. I tried to do some last year but only got to singles. There is where I will start again this year, but there is more to come. So here it goes.

My Top 10 Singles of 2010AD

10. Dreaming of Another World - Mystery Jets

I have loved the Jets since they were the first band that I ever saw in a proper gig and their progression from the quirky weirdo folkprog of their earliest singles to the shimmering pop that is Dreaming of Another World has been magic. I usually prefer the Blaine-led tracks to the Will ones but the chorus on this is just sublime.

9. I Just Sighed. I Just Sighed, Just So You Know - Los Campesinos!

I could have chosen any of the 15 tracks from Romance Is Boring for this list but I'll go with I Just Sighed because it most sums up for me Gareth's lyrical intensity, somewhere between poem and novel, and features a handful of his best lines (tbf, all LC! songs do). The couplet "Please just let me be the one to keep track/of the freckles and the moles on your back" seemed even more relevant to my feeling as the year wore on.

8. Shutterbug - Big Boi

It's that buh-buh-buh bass line. As my musical lists will be testament to, I have become a lot more influenced by rap, rnb and hip-hop this year (especially in its latter half) and this just feels like it has everything. 6 or 7 little pieces of music interlocking to form a bombastic song. The back to life, back to reality bit is a treat too.

7. Teenage Dream - Katy Perry

It was a tough choice for my favourite shiny, lacquered American pop song this year. Lady GaGa put herself to the max with Telephone and Alejandro but this year was very much the year of Katy Perry. I loved California Gurls (video of the year in the Shakira tradition of these things) but it's Teenage Dream that takes the place. Initially, I was not too sure of it at all but it's an earworm that has snuck into my brain and is, on closer inspection, really quite sincere and heartfelt. Now that I am no longer a teenager, I get what the new Mrs Brand is saying here.

6. Cold War - Janelle Monae

The first half of The Archandroid is pretty much all single-worthy (as will be discussed in albums of the year) but I will choose Cold War for specific praise. Though not as mad and out there as perhaps the also-excellent Tightrope, Cold War is easily the most complete song on the album. It fulfills its job on the album in context but on its own it is lyrically a brilliant statement. As I find myself becoming increasingly politicised, I find myself wondering if I really know what I am fighting for. Janelle's outstanding and emotional vocal really brings the song and her story to life. Compelling.

5. I Feel Better - Hot Chip

One Life Stand is Hot Chip's best and most satisfying album and I Feel Better is, for me, the most outstanding song from it. The interplay between Joe and Alexis' individual vocal lines is haunting beautiful and the use of string samples shows them as an outfit that are really refining their sound. The Peter Serofinowicz directed video is the most disturbing thing I have seen all year. I fear for the 5 year old children who stumbled upon it.

4. Rad Pitt - Egyptian Hip Hop (and pretty much the whole Some Reptiles... EP)

I first read about EHH in The Fly, not my usual source for new music but something in the over-stylised and sycophantic writing (which I hope to God this blog post is nothing like) really made me want to know more. I'm very glad I went with it. This song is just stunning. It isn't burdened by the troubles of the world but that's not to say that it is completely happy. For me, this feels like being a teenager in a song. I look forward to hearing more from them. They remind me a lot of The Mavericks of Love.

3. Starry Eyed - Ellie Goulding

Me dressed in my best and smartest outfit running from my house, all the way down the Clements to meet a bus in the dark, listening to Starry Eyed on my iPod. This song is really electrifying and tingly. I don't think i've ever heard anything like it. I tipped Ellie Goulding for this year and she has done me proud. This should have been the biggest pop song of the year.

2. Heartbeat Song - The Futureheads

I remember when I first got into music for reals in the now far-distant 2004. Decent Days and Nights was one of the first songs I ever loved for myself and I have been a fan of the Futureheads ever since (being the only person who I've heard of that rates News and Tributes as their best). Heartbeat Song is a perfect encapsulation of everything they do best. Life-affirming. What a chorus.

1. Yamaha - The-Dream

It only ever could have been one. 5 minutes of glistening pop, lacquered with soul. I really don't know why The-Dream isn't the biggest male pop star in the world. YAMAHA YAMAHA OH YAMAHA

Special Mentions

All the singles from Total Life Forever by Foals

Hang On by Weezer (yes, I like Michael Cera backing vocals)

Homework by Big Deal (great space in the music, boy girl vocals ftw)

Limit To Your Love by James Blake (haunting innit)

Doo-Wah-Do by Kate Nash (her best for sure)

Shine A Light by Mcfly feat. Taio Cruz (a close 11th)

The Flood by Take That (need to hear the album more)

Will be doing top ten albums tomorrow. I think. YEAH

a long time coming

I haven't blogged in quite a while, not because i haven't had anything to say but because I've not really know what it is I need to. Life is in minutiae but I cannot recall it all. Mostly I realise that I am still not over Clara. This is in no doubt mostly because she won the break-up, emphatically. Winning is important. We play to fight the fear of losing. Play on, play on...

'cause heroes wear masks and lycra

As much as I adore Los Campesinos! right now and they are my favourite band of all time, I forget that there were loves beforehand. None as all-encompassing but still with that amazing feeling when you have a band and you love them and everything in the world seems alive and brilliant. Girls may come and go but there is always the music.

The first band I ever truly loved were The Maccabees. I remember the moment I first knew they existed, sitting on the sofa at Teri's house watching MTV2. The video of Latchmere came on. Great stop-motion video. The song is brilliant obviously but I wasn't overwhelmed at the time. I liked it a lot though and it stayed in my head. I bought the single and the b-side from iTunes and then I first saw them 4 years ago today, at the Junction supporting The Fratellis on the NME Rock and Roll Riot Tour. I've seen them 5 or 6 times since and every one brilliant, from the downstairs at Fopp to the John Peel stage at Glastonbury. Them and their music soundtracked my first flushes of young adulthood and it was the perfect sound for it. I'd like to see them again and I hope they play Mary. it always makes me cry.

she said it's written in the stars but i don't look at the stars anymore. I just someone to die for

So. Right now, things are feeling ok.

It's a week until my twentieth birthday.

i've got ideas. i've got so many ideas. but why don't they become something? i have to make them something. a set of songs. the confessions of an ardent heart, in verse. that's me. a sensualist. brazen face and a karamazov conscience.

when i think about things i realise all of the things i disliked about Clara. she lied about the little things and she thought she was so much cooler than she really was. she could be stressy and everything that she's done has made me see how changing and dark and mean she could be.

but the things i miss.

the smell of her neck with her hair on my nose, nuzzling her scarf.

the mole on her knee, passing through her leg.

the curve of her foot.

the way she looked at me.

I don't need these things. but it doesn't stop me wanting them.

but is that just her, or anybody.

special purpose

it seems that my reason for this blog is changing.

i'm being less current. it's better just to type things that i am thinking about.

Once my aunt worked as a carer. I particularly remember when she looked after a man in Steeple Bumpstead called Robert. In my memory he looked like Lizo from Newsround. I'm sure he didn't.

Anyway, there was a time that she was looking after an old man. He looks like Leslie Phillips in my mind. He said to my aunt "would you awfully mind if I called you pussycat?".

I don't know if she did.

a memory

One time about 4 or 5 years ago, I was standing in my bathroom brushing my teeth when I heard the TARDIS outside my house. I ran down the hall and down the stairs and out of the front door and looked. The swings on the green outside my house were swinging in the wind. The old rusty joints were making a large bowing noise.

Though I will always feel sad that it wasn't indeed the Doctor, come to rescue me from the mundane existence I lead, I treasure this memory. The hope and excitement I felt then exceeds anything I think I will ever feel.

yamaha yamaha oh yamaha

This week was my first back at college after the holiday. I went in every day and went to all of my lessons. This is a first for many many years. I feel very good about that. However, things still feel a bit slow and my life empty. I hope that as the work gets going and I begin to actually learn things, i'll feel better about it. I'm also getting slightly tired of my friends at college, particularly Gina and Laura who I spend most of my time with. Something is grating. I feel bad about it. It's probably just me. I'll do something about it.

In good news I have found the greatest song of possibly ever and bought a book of quick crosswords. Life is pretty good really. All I have to do is go with the flow. I'm meeting with Bea on Wednesday. We've been staying up late talking to each other the last few nights. I feel great about it. Really ludicrously happy.

One of my big worries is that anything I do is too much like what has gone before, like i'm purposefully repeating myself. I don't want this. Everything is new. I like it that way.

without anybody

The last few days have been very low and very unhappy. Not for any active reason, just the humanity draining power of nothingness.

I found that I am to be part of a book, a work in progress. I can spot me easily. I am positively portrayed but also not for good reasons. I am an illness, a bad habit, an addiction. I'm flattered. I look forward to the finished product or at least at the peaks of it i'll find during it's progress.

It's gone to further my feeling of loneliness. People are out and together in the world, doing exciting things. I have nothing to do and no one to do anything with. I've never felt any more alone.

Barry Whale

When my Uncle Mick got married to his second wife Debbie (I now realise that I have two alcoholic aunts called Debbie) about ten years ago they went somewhere warmer for the ceremony. I think it was Hawaii or the Caribbean. None of us could afford to go because it was very far away. Uncle Mick had to hire a best man for the ceremony. He name was Barry Whale. I remember the picture of the two of them. He looked the the cousin from My Hero. Exactly like him. Same face, same moustache. I've never forgotten that.

Would you guess that I didn't know what to wear?

This was a bank holiday weekend. Let's step back and recap.

I stayed in Friday night after a day of doing nothing too. This wasn't great. I also didn't have dinner which was strange but perhaps good. I need to eat less so this is a good start but perhaps just missing meals is less good.

Saturday I worked and the day went very quickly, something I am always glad of. We all got along and had some good laughs. Plus, United had a comfortable win against West Ham, so I could laugh at Marty B. In the evening, Mother, Bryony and I went to some made up village to Zoe's Jonathan's 40th birthday party. I don't like family parties at all but it was nice to see Aunty Jen and Ben, as well as Dave, Zoe and Sadie (the less said about Jill, Deb and perhaps Hat the better). I was sad Charlie wasn't there but seeing as he was at Reading I couldn't blame him for his absence. We left quite late and I was happy to leave, enjoying the parts that I needed to. There was a guy with an eyepatch. Ben was a fun enthusiast. Not great, but neither bad, times.

I got to sleep quite easily, other than the fight outside that awoke me slightly. Waking up quite late, I got ready and we went to Prezzo's for dinner. I'd never been before but the food was nice and pretty reasonable. The company was good too. As nice as it would have been to have Trace et all plus Deb and Hat there, it worked better just as the 6 of us (that being me, Bry, Ben, Jen, Nan and Mum). We mostly talked about Deb being a wanker. That was quite funny. She is pretty shit. I think she is an alcoholic. We all found that very funny. After a cup of tea at Nan's I went to the pub with Bry to see Dad who was with Janice and Adie. The crappy singing man was there and he was shit as always. Bry left soon after because of it. The music soon ended and we just watched the football and drank, which was nice. Dad was on good form and we laughed a lot, mostly at Adie. I put some LC! and Cribs on the radio too which went down really well so that was good.

I moved to the Drab a little later on to meet many many people from work. We all had some good laughs, obviously at Matt's expense, and I got to meet Mel's girlfriend who seems lovely. After a couple of drinks there and the constant running into of people I know, we all went to the Hart for some karaoke. Though I put my name down for singing with Stu (Father and Son FTW) I didn't actually do any because I met Hayley outside and had a very long conversation with her. That was lovely. She is really nice and we have a good laugh when we speak. This combined with weird text bombardment from Ivy [STALINIST REVISIONISM] left me feeling quite in demand, a boost for my ego, something I felt like I needed. Soon after this me, Kyle, Stu and Tommy Archer gave Hayley piggybacks to the Drab which seemed quite odd but nice. She was going to come back to Jim's with us all after we'd popped to the Bell but that sadly fell through, I guess she found a better offer. I paid £3 to go into the Bell for about 15 minutes which didn't seem to bad considering I saw Sarah, Perry and a hot girl who I later realised was Garbutt's sister. We popped back to the Hart to find some girl for Matt but I decided to call it a night.

Though I was tired I couldn't sleep. My brain was too full of thoughts and concepts to let me rest. I was nervous and was over thinking. I kept catching myself thinking through all of the possible conversations that I could have [STALINIST REVISIONISM] and getting annoyed at myself for doing it. At around 4 I eventually got to sleep.

I woke up and got ready, feeling only slightly uncomfortable in my own skin (a feeling undoubtedly amplified by the nerves). I wore my new awesome Scott Pilgrim t-shirt and a pair of 3/4 lengths in agreement with what Bea and I had before talked about. She missed the bus and so owing to the Bank Holiday Monday schedule was an hour later than me. I used this time to visit Bry at the retail park. She just so happened to be on a break as I got there, a coincidence that settled me and made me believe that the universe was working for me, a rarity. Bry got me a latte and we discussed various stupid things. Bry's theory on the cockiness of insects was a particular delight. I left her soon after and met Bea at the bus stop, walking the last bit of the way talking to Ben about Spiderman 2. "We have fusion" says Jin. Oh Jin.

I was expecting a slight uncomfortable-ness but it wasn't really there, just nervous excitement. I became quite jittery, a combination of my nerves and the latte but I used that energy as a positive. I was funny and charming and I made an old woman jump by having a deep voice. In Evolution they played 'Make Your Own Kind Of Music' leading me to believe that coincidence's controller was again on my side. We both really enjoyed the film and we had Nando's afterwards, me (perhaps thriftily?) finally using my loyalty card to get the whole chicken. Symbolic? Eating a chicken corpse was fun and made for good conversation. We soon got the bus home and a great talk about our complicated personal problems. I was perhaps less giving than she was.

[STALINIST REVISIONISM]

i don't want to sound trite but you were perfect

These week has been a good week I think, but right this second I feel quite low. Tomorrow is results day which is exciting and I hope that my results are good but I fear the worst. The part that I am least looking forward to is the celebrating/commiserating. I haven't really got any one to do it with that I really want to do it with. I fear I'll end up at home alone playing Warcraft or something lame. Whatever happened to me?

That said, I think I've been quite good and charming this week. I stayed up until 4 in the morning on Sunday night talking to Bea which was really brilliant really. She is brilliant. So brilliant.

Holly text me on Tuesday which was a surprise. Things are weird with her and always will be. I hope that we can be friends eventually. She's the only person who knows everything about me, at least the closest to it anyway. I'd like to sort that out.

!

Ellen spoke to me on Twitter.

I just did a victory dance to celebrate.

I love Ellen. Ellen is the best.

I AM COOL

tell us exactly

I had a dream last night which mostly featured me trying to get back with Clara and destroy her relationship with Tom. I did this mostly by trying to cut off his electricity. Yeah, I know how to hit a guy where it hurts. I don't like Tom but I don't want to fight him or destroy anyone/thing. I'm happy with them living their lives and eventually, hopefully, Clara realising what a mistake she made. I am enjoying single life. Its better man.

I did try to punch him but in dreams I can't. Maybe this is because in dreams you get to the core of your truth and you can't really know yourself until you've been in a fight, just like Fight Club says. Sadly just having a fight isn't very me. People better watch out.

let this be our annual reminder, we can all be something bigger

I don't think there has ever been a lyric written with more truth than the opening lines of Maximo Park's 'The Kids Are Sick Again': the comforting ache of the summer holiday/ pointless days pining/ afternoons whining. That completely sums up how the days feel now. The days are pointless but there is something there that makes them work as they are. I am pining but I understand that it'll be worth the wait.

This is a big week coming up. Wednesday is me and Stu's interview with Baby Cow Productions. I still only 5% believe that Stu has made it all up and its an elaborate ruse to get me to London and kill me, so thats good. I think as long as I am cool and funny and all the best things that I can be then it'll work out excellently. It's a foot in the door at least. Work on the scripts themselves have slowed down of late but this'll definitely boost us to get things done. Its really exciting actually. Writing is definitely what I want to do with my life. Writing what exactly, that is the question.

i can feel the static

Summer holidays are here properly now. I'm quite hyped up for them. I hope this doesn't result in false promise. Alf is home Saturday night so I can't really see anything being bad for a while. It's going to be brilliant to have him back. It's really weird thinking about how long its been since I saw him. We're going to have a poker night soon and that'll be brilliant, because well, its poker night isn't it?

I am really feeling good about my love life, or currently luck there of. Thats fine. I need to learn to be ok alone and I think I have done that. I've also learnt the skill of playing it cool, which before this month I think would have been an impossibility. Yet I have not spoken to Clara while projecting the image that I am much happier without her (only half true), I have text Holly in an understated way and gained a reply that I did not turn into a proper conversation and I have met a girl who I like (and who i am 99% likes me equally) with whom I have not yet made a prat of myself. Its all winner winner chicken dinner.

I would like to fall in love again and go through all the magic bits at the start of a relationship. The main problem is that I am in love with Los Campesinos! and nothing else will ever compare.

isn't it? isn't it?

TV shows will come and go but there will never be a quiz quite like University Challenge. Everything about it is just so on the money. Paxman, the voice guy, when the hot girls come on from Newnham College, when the weird girls come on from Newnham College. Its just amazing. I mean they just had a picture round on Chess champions. one of them was Deep Blue. Amazing. (Incidentally Mark told me that his Dad was nicknamed something like Light Blue in chess circles when he was young. Thats fucking gold.)

This weekend was pretty lifeless but sandwiched between some pretty exciting events. College on Friday was pretty dull but afterwards there was a BBQ on Jesus Green and it was just a perfect afternoon. I smoked a cigar. That was cool. I met Laura's friend Bea. That was cooler. (That sounds like a Hold Steady lyric. FUCK YEAH) I had a great sandwich again that night. Sandwiches are great.

Saturday was dull. Work dull. Evening dull. I did rewatch most of Spaced though. Awesome.

Sunday I decided to restart my Facebook which I had shut down the week before. This was a great decision. I feel like i'm really making friends. Too bad it took like the whole year, eh?

Monday was quite staid in the day but the evening brought to me my glorious quiz. I love monday nights. Good friends and good times. Delicioso.

a day makes it better

Today was a great day. I spent time driving to school in a van with my dad, I had two interesting and informative lessons, I had a nice chat with Gina, I wandered around London for hours with Mark and then saw the most amazing gig. I fucking love Los Campesinos!. I live and breathe for them. I wish Ellen would look at me, or at least respond to my twitterings at her.

this has been a great day. I even just had an amazing sandwich. wow.

it'll all get better in time

Every day I wake up and its a better day. I miss Clara painfully and every day for at least a second I pine out loud for my bear, even though she and no one can hear. The nights are the hardest. I want her beside me. But if I have to not, then i'll probably be able to not die.

But I need someone. Anyone. It's getting awfully lonely this life

say so

All I am being told is that to woo women, I have to ignore them.
Clearly this is mad.
I am lonely. I don't want to ignore or be ignored.

Is this just the way it goes or the kind of woman I like?

futures

Stuff is looking up.
I have good friends.
I am doing to do some learning.
I've been going to the pub a lot.
I have eaten 4 different chicken sandwiches in 4 days.

AMAZING

new feeling

I saw my Dad cry this evening. That was weird. I don't think it's ever happened before. Times are a-changing. Thats one thing for sure. I think he was just happy that Bry is ok and sad that he has never been a great father. Maybe he'll do something about it.

I have got Pokemon SoulSilver. I say its to bond with brother Ben. Its mostly to beat his little 6 year old self so he can learn to respect his gaming elders. And because I love Pokemon obviously.

I have named my rival Tom. Yeah, I'm talking to you, you cunt. Take that with your fucking Totodile.

come on home...

Again feeling very round and about and up and down today. Me and Mark went to the quiz tonight and had a good time, we randomly bumped into Jess and Steph which was weird and they joined in with us which was even weirder. Most weird was Barker winning the quiz for the second week in a row. How awful is that?

I am surviving the Clara not being here and me not being able to talk to her. I've internalised her so I kind of talk to her in my head. She always used to say that she did this for me. I liked that a lot. Oh well.

I'm attempting to deal with things by trying to make something happen with Lindsay. This is talking to a brick wall though. Occasionally a wall that leads you on a little. She confuses me in a million ways. Well, at least 3.

In brilliant news, mine and Stuart's synopsis has been sent to some well known companies and RDF Media have emailed back. They like it which is fucking excellent. I'm trying not to get ahead of myself (hubris is not good) but it is exciting. I really want to make something of this. I really preferred by Quiz Night idea initially but we've really made something out of Temporary. Just gotta get the scripting down really. I think I will use the Quiz Night idea, maybe as a novel or something. It could work really well. Maybe a movie? Certainly the idea of two best friends being in love with their other, much nicer, friend's girlfriend is a good idea for a teen sex comedy? I'm going to get on that.

[STALINIST REVISIONISM] Oh well. Stuff like this is rubbish.

so I can be the beacon of hope that you've always expected

So here we are. I think I started this blog, the second version of it at least about a year ago now. But I never posted. This was obviously stupid. I'm on it now.

Things have been weird and mental lately. Me and Clara broke up and I thought I was happy about that. I thought we were going to have some time apart for a while and learn about ourselves and what we really need. I started in this theme by nearly immediately sleeping with Holly. This was good. Rebound's are needed and obviously great. Unfortunately she then decided she wasn't a free spirit, she was just in love with the ex-boyfriend who broke up with her. My fault on all levels. I'm sorry about that. Holly is cool and brilliant and I never wanted to hurt her. So Holly, I'm sorry.

Then after that I realised the levels of my loneliness. I don't have any I can really talk to about things without Clara and without Holly talking to me and conversation with Alfred being limited.

I wanted to get back with Clara because ultimately I love her and want to be with her. However, she already has moved on. With Tom. Who seems like a bit of a dull dickhead. She likes him though. I should of left it and played a long game but I didn't. I acted like a knob end. I've probably made it worse. But i'm leaving it alone now. We'll see how it goes.

I don't know if I really want to be with Clara or if I'm just in need of the idea of Clara. I spent a lot of time over the last two years relying on her emotionally and I am missing that. But that wasn't good of me. In fact it is what she says is tore her away from me. Sometime you can just never win.

Also involved with all this are just my feelings for other girls. Obviously there are people that I've always liked and would like to see and learn more about. Perhaps the most important out of these at the moment is Lindsay, who is borderline pure evil but actually is amazingly interesting. She's attractive and clever and likes good films. Like foreign ones. Where are the girls like that? Here apparently. I don't know how she feels about me or I really feel about her either. I suppose we should work that out. This could be a really good thing though. It could get me over everything. I'd really like that.