yamaha yamaha oh yamaha

This week was my first back at college after the holiday. I went in every day and went to all of my lessons. This is a first for many many years. I feel very good about that. However, things still feel a bit slow and my life empty. I hope that as the work gets going and I begin to actually learn things, i'll feel better about it. I'm also getting slightly tired of my friends at college, particularly Gina and Laura who I spend most of my time with. Something is grating. I feel bad about it. It's probably just me. I'll do something about it.

In good news I have found the greatest song of possibly ever and bought a book of quick crosswords. Life is pretty good really. All I have to do is go with the flow. I'm meeting with Bea on Wednesday. We've been staying up late talking to each other the last few nights. I feel great about it. Really ludicrously happy.

One of my big worries is that anything I do is too much like what has gone before, like i'm purposefully repeating myself. I don't want this. Everything is new. I like it that way.

without anybody

The last few days have been very low and very unhappy. Not for any active reason, just the humanity draining power of nothingness.

I found that I am to be part of a book, a work in progress. I can spot me easily. I am positively portrayed but also not for good reasons. I am an illness, a bad habit, an addiction. I'm flattered. I look forward to the finished product or at least at the peaks of it i'll find during it's progress.

It's gone to further my feeling of loneliness. People are out and together in the world, doing exciting things. I have nothing to do and no one to do anything with. I've never felt any more alone.

Barry Whale

When my Uncle Mick got married to his second wife Debbie (I now realise that I have two alcoholic aunts called Debbie) about ten years ago they went somewhere warmer for the ceremony. I think it was Hawaii or the Caribbean. None of us could afford to go because it was very far away. Uncle Mick had to hire a best man for the ceremony. He name was Barry Whale. I remember the picture of the two of them. He looked the the cousin from My Hero. Exactly like him. Same face, same moustache. I've never forgotten that.