not today

I haven't blogged here in a while, I must admit. For why? Life got in the way. It's been actual a very busy time lately. Things have been happening like mad. Here are some of they:

Exams. Like final exams. I am done with A-Levels now. After four fucking years. Four torturous horrible years. Four years in which I've met some of the greatest and most beautiful people in my life and I've loved every second. But you know, if I could, I'd always go back and start again. I say that I don't regret things and I just live but c'mon, I'm not that good a liar.

Tumblr. I now have a tumblr, which I am enjoying and has taken some time from here, i'll admit. I hope to use blogger, tumblr and twitter concurrently, using each for a different purpose. I also have my own paper based thoughts to write down and things get busy but today I feel like here is where it should be at.

Game of Thrones. It's just an awesome tv show and I love it and i'm reading the books and man it is exciting.

A complex and exciting love life situation thing. This has been the majority taker of my time probably. I suppose that when I restarted this blog it was mostly to help myself work out my thoughts since my break up from Clara and so when I've felt fine I have not needed it. In the time since I last wrote I have been having a relationship of sorts with Holly, who finally got back in touch. This made me happy. It was no strings attached and exciting and fun. I'd worried that in the long-term imposed period of celebacy that I would have forgotten how to do everything but it turned out I was as good as ever, and I felt like it could have gotten better but things have ended as soon as they have begun. I would see this as a bad thing but, in truth, I never really wanted her. There were no feelings involved so it's fine. Knowing that I had feelings for another than her made it all seem quite empty. Fun and excellent, but empty nonetheless. I've always thought that I could do the casual sort of thing and be happy with it but I think what I really want is someone to love. Difficult innit.

so yeah everything

Things are back on. Seriously. This is some next level shit. I'm feeling confident (even if it's completely misplaced) and i'm out doing Adolf Hitler by being successful on many front.

I'd write more here for you, whoever you are reading this (WHY NOT COMMENT BTW, ANON AND ALL!), but i'm afraid I can't. OOOOOOOOOOOOOH. Yeah, good right.

SPOILERS

what is right and what is easy

I have so much to say. SO MUCH. But none of it I can be said really. I feel like my heart is exploding with life, leaping out of my chest, stuck in my throat. It wants to be on my sleeve, bleeding.

It's been a good week really. Flowing between some perfect days and perfect moments with the perfect people and the sense that I am on my comeback, that I can be the greatest person that I can ever be, flowing to the sense of dread and despair and jealousy and hatred and envy and rage and sickness rising up my throat, full of bile. Some days I want to destroy the world. Destroy all of existence, leaving just a vacuum, leaving just you and me.

The way things are going, I think that i'll have to make a decision soon.

It's always the same decision. There is what is right, what is easy. The problem could be that what is right is unattainable. She sure seems it.

The problem is that I need to be loved. and there is no one to love me.

cursed by consciousness

things have been quite good of late, overall, but with short periods of despairing black holes that make me very confused about existance. let's do some recapping!

Moon day. last ever quiz in the history of quiz. until they restart them with someone else really. but it won't be the same. i'm gonna do other things instead on mondays good plan! me, MJ and Ott went to Cambridge after and got very drunk in a short space of time, did some dancing in Fez and rolled down a hill. it hurt but it was worth it. I sent a text i probably shouldn't have. but i covered it I think. GOOD WORK

Wodin day. I went to see Submarine with Gabby. It was fun. I really liked the film. It was clever and stylish and funny and it reminded me of me a bit. I do stupid things and try to be cool and fit in when i don't really. It's good. I liked how it really was a film about depression more than anything but that was fit in with a lot of other stuff to make it more palletable. I also very much enjoyed spending time with Gabby. She's really cool and so pretty that it's almost scary that she's a real person who exists instead of just in a painting or something. It pleases me that I can make friends with people like that who i don't necessarily see much but can meet at a party and just regularly talk to them. I remember being 13 and terrified I would never be able to make friends. Another needless fear.

Thor day. Was supposed to see Beatrice but she bailed on me. she is a letdown. and i hope she's reading this so she knows how much of a letdown she is and how much i get mad sad when she does it to me. but i forgive her. I have to.

Frigg day. Went to el Jim's in the evening. Brad was there. I love Brad, he is sexy. Also, organised to see Holly next weekend. This is good. I'm glad we're friends again. Obviously if it ended up more than friends, i'd be pleased but it's better if we don't because I can prove that we can be just friends as she said that we could never. TAKE THAT HO.

going now. hungry.

dispatches from the friend zone

the feelings of amorousness that are building up inside of me are growing to quite mental levels. i'm beginning to think things that Ted Mosby would think and want to act in mad, romantic surprising ways like him. but that's a tv show. it's plotted to make things work out beautifully and such.

things won't work out like that.

i'm in the friend zone, please help me out

we are all made of stars

This weekend has been pretty much amazing. Low key sure, but AMAZING.

It contained all of my favourite things, here are some of them:

Not working. I like not working it makes a really good weekend. Sometimes I dislike them because I end up wasting the day but I made sure that this wasn't the case this time. I did me proud on that one. I even moved a sofa. Oh yes, oh yay.

Inception. It's a good film right? Even Mother understood it. That's rare, and a mondo-bonus. HD too.

Hella loads of HIMYM and 30 Rock on BT Vision. Warm happy funniness. You can't beat it. We're here, we're hungry, get used to it Brunch!

Pizza. I ate a whole pizza. It was delicious. I thought maybe I was a little overly decadent in ordering and eating it all myself but i was alone and it was delicious. Mmm

Manchester United being awesome. Da Silva twins= heroes. Gloating is quite nice sometimes really.

Sitting in a tree. I don't do this enough. Must do it more. We're on it Summer!

Going to the Hill in Cambridge. It's recontextualised and it's mine. Favourite place in Cambridge.

Seeing Benjamin and Dad and Wend. I was sad not to see them last week but it was worth it this week. He's so funny. He said Bry would want to kiss a Lapras. She probably would.

Senorita by Justin Timberlake. What a song, what a voice, what a man.

Hanging around in parks when you're too old for them. Yes, it makes some people tramps. But they're not having any fun. I am.

Wonders of the Universe. It just makes me cry because it's so beautiful and inspiring. I really don't understand why people need religion when they live in such a beautiful, magical and spiritual universe without needing made up tales. Immense.

Beatrice Woodhouse. Yeah, I guess she's ok......

wakeupgotosleep

It's half term time and in the 6 or 7 weeks of college that proceeded it, I maybe went in that many times. That isn't good. I don't think me and winter are great friends. Being bear-like, I hibernate. But I never was the Bear, I was the Moon.

I'm getting things back on track though, early nights and doing coursework (attempting to do coursework). Last night I had a nap from about 5 and then went to be properly at 8. I slept in fits and starts from there, having increasingly bizarre dreams and waking up to ruminate upon them. I had another dream about Clara. She came back to me but she clearly didn't want to be and she kept trying to attack me with a knife (not even in a sexy way.) It was quite disturbing. I'd quite like her out of my head but she won't let me forget about her. Odd.

Sometimes, I feel like maybe I use love as a reason to keep myself busy. I can't think of a time when I didn't have some sort of overwhelming feeling towards any particular individual, or individuals. I think I'd like to just not love anyone or anything for a while. Just as a buffer. It is good to love though. YEAH?