what is right and what is easy

I have so much to say. SO MUCH. But none of it I can be said really. I feel like my heart is exploding with life, leaping out of my chest, stuck in my throat. It wants to be on my sleeve, bleeding.

It's been a good week really. Flowing between some perfect days and perfect moments with the perfect people and the sense that I am on my comeback, that I can be the greatest person that I can ever be, flowing to the sense of dread and despair and jealousy and hatred and envy and rage and sickness rising up my throat, full of bile. Some days I want to destroy the world. Destroy all of existence, leaving just a vacuum, leaving just you and me.

The way things are going, I think that i'll have to make a decision soon.

It's always the same decision. There is what is right, what is easy. The problem could be that what is right is unattainable. She sure seems it.

The problem is that I need to be loved. and there is no one to love me.

cursed by consciousness

things have been quite good of late, overall, but with short periods of despairing black holes that make me very confused about existance. let's do some recapping!

Moon day. last ever quiz in the history of quiz. until they restart them with someone else really. but it won't be the same. i'm gonna do other things instead on mondays good plan! me, MJ and Ott went to Cambridge after and got very drunk in a short space of time, did some dancing in Fez and rolled down a hill. it hurt but it was worth it. I sent a text i probably shouldn't have. but i covered it I think. GOOD WORK

Wodin day. I went to see Submarine with Gabby. It was fun. I really liked the film. It was clever and stylish and funny and it reminded me of me a bit. I do stupid things and try to be cool and fit in when i don't really. It's good. I liked how it really was a film about depression more than anything but that was fit in with a lot of other stuff to make it more palletable. I also very much enjoyed spending time with Gabby. She's really cool and so pretty that it's almost scary that she's a real person who exists instead of just in a painting or something. It pleases me that I can make friends with people like that who i don't necessarily see much but can meet at a party and just regularly talk to them. I remember being 13 and terrified I would never be able to make friends. Another needless fear.

Thor day. Was supposed to see Beatrice but she bailed on me. she is a letdown. and i hope she's reading this so she knows how much of a letdown she is and how much i get mad sad when she does it to me. but i forgive her. I have to.

Frigg day. Went to el Jim's in the evening. Brad was there. I love Brad, he is sexy. Also, organised to see Holly next weekend. This is good. I'm glad we're friends again. Obviously if it ended up more than friends, i'd be pleased but it's better if we don't because I can prove that we can be just friends as she said that we could never. TAKE THAT HO.

going now. hungry.