merry christmas, i wish you were here

Last night was my Christmas ball(?) off of college. It was at the Soul Tree. I like the Soul Tree because of the time that Amy (ha), Bry and I went to see Mumm-Ra there. I love Mumm-Ra. I miss them. The same space was filled with people dressed in pretty varied costume, from ball gowns to jeans and a t-shirt. More importantly, it was filled with people that I don't really know. And the ones that I do, I care about deeply but I never get the sense that it would matter if I were to disappear. I wanted to run. It's been a long time since I ran.

The whole situation set me thinking about my life and all the little chains of consequence that had led me there, whilst simultaneously dancing to some pretty dire musical choices from the poor DJ. (I do a lot of thinking whilst dancing, I think it's because I can set my body on autofunk and just let my mind reel.) What had I done to get myself here? Did I deserve it? What am I missing? Are the positives of my life that I wouldn't have had anyway enough to outweigh the constant drain on my soul that living seems to bring? Is that last question far too melodramatic? I'm sure we'll agree that it is.

I don't know if it was the drink but I thought of Clara. I wanted to call her. But I didn't. This is restraint. Well done. What would have I even said? I don't know if there are words. There are no connections between us any more, our mutual friends on facebook I have sheared to a bare minimum. But yet she still haunts my dreams and I wake up in the morning and I don't know how to feel. Or if i even feel.

I know I do feel. I can feel it in the pit of my stomach. A yearning. For anyone inparticular? Or for anyone? People on the dancefloor last night, cavorting in both senses of the word. I felt disgusted at the actions of some, particularly Pav and Alan. Like women are meat, game to be hunted, a game to be played. What makes me feel worse is knowing that if I had the nerve (lack of class, confidence?) I'd play the game too.

OH WELL. It's been a good week otherwise. This time a week ago, I was watching Janelle Monae. Excellent. And on Sunday, Matt called Shelia a cunt at our Christmas meal. And there is a new LC! christmas song. you've got to untie me from these bows, wrap your arms round me like swaddling clothes